#3. Scenery to Soothe the Conservative Soul

Look at this scene: Calm, tranquil, republican. Look upon the green grass and trees that give off the vibe of a real winner. Hear the leaves rustle in the wind, like a never ending applause. Smell that fresh air mixed with the faint scent of barbecue, just as heaven would surely smell. Note the lone Bush, standing strong, despite a low gardener approval rating.

Then gaze upon the building standing firm like its owner. The architecture is simple, but elegant. The white roof and brown stucco walls with brick accents - they give off a commanding presence. Feel the rough stucco under your fingers. Tastes the salty stucco on your tongue . . . OK don’t do that!

I'm not trying to corral you into a certain kind of thinking but this place will soon be a great American land mark. You must think property like this, with its combination of natural and architectural beauty, belongs to a great man. You'd be right! It is owned by a true genius, who is Texas tough and isn't afraid to take a vacation even while a whole nation is in crises. Only great Americans deserve to own a ranch such as this.

Now gaze upon the picture as a whole. It clearly makes a strong statement. It just screams "Mission Accomplished. It’s time to barbecue!"

This has been a message from the Republican Landmark Corporation. Preserving our wealth so the lower classes of the future can gaze upon our splendor.

#2.Prepare to be Governated!

Hail to the Governator!

Hello America! I am Arnold Schwarzenegger The Governator! I am here to pump you up! You are all girly men! I see some of you little girls stopped playing with your dolls long enough to make a site about me and my muscles! Well I must say you have chosen a great topic but can you handle the Governator? I think not! It’s Judgment Day because I’m the Last Action Hero and I’m going Commando! Oh and there will be Collateral Damage! What I’m trying to say is, if you want to handle this topic you better start Pumping Iron because you are all girly men!

Then let me say this! Don’t vote for Obama he’s The Villain! The democrats just tell True Lies and will give you a Raw Deal! If you do vote democrat you’ll be Running Man because I'm a Predator and when I catch you it ain’t gonna be no Carnival in Rio! I’m gonna take you out to Beretta’s Island and get rid of you because I’m the Eraser!

This has been The Governator, reminding you all that you are weak girly men!

All Democrats will be Terminated!

(All underlined words are the titles of movies Arnold Schwarzenegger has stared in.)

#1 Terror Alert Level: Fluffy!

For My Fellow Republicans:
As you can see America faces a new threat. While admittedly much cuter than most its still a very deadly one. You see terrorists have found a new ally who are feline ready to fight. These allies are of course - cats! Now I know what you are all thinking "let's find the cats homeland and give it a good hard liberation!". Well, the issue is more complex than that. You see, cats have no homeland they have instead worked themselves deep into our society. They usually congregate in homes of families with children or single women. So because so many homes have cats the only solution is to bomb homes completely at random. The death toll? Massive. The costs? Even greater. The emotional damages? Suck it up you pansy! Do not fear Americans these foolish flimsy felines are futile fodder who can't begin to tear down the fantastic federalist foundations of AMERICA! For any sightings of terrorist cats call 1-800-FelineSuicidal.

For the Kindergartners:
Hello Children! See that cat up there? It looks cute right? WRONG! This cat is a terrorist! Who are terrorists you ask? They are people who hate America mostly because of our great superiority in all things especially fast food and weight per ca pita. So what will these terrorist cats do you ask? They want to go into crowded areas and blow themselves up. Will this hurt anyone no, because they explode with candy! Except by no I mean yes, and by candy I mean flaming pieces of shrapnel that will cause massive casualties. So what do I want from you small children? I am just here to say if you love America you will go home and strangle your cats. Yes I said strangle your cats! The alternative involves a lot of bombs, a lot of homes and a lot of Democrats whining about "collateral damage". So remember children vote Republican or we will all die and communists will piss on our graves. The Republican Party teaching the youth of tomorrow today.

This has been an Announcement from the Republican Party. Fighting for America, Freedom and our Swiss Bank Accounts, but not necessarily in that order.