#7. This Soirée is Nut for Everyone!

Hello America! I sure you’ve thought to yourself why do we reward poor people so much? I mean with things like welfare, unemployment benefits and Medicare it’s like an endless holiday! Its time we the Upper Class were rewarded! How about our own holiday! It will be called National Affluent Soirée Day! All the rich people of this great land will gather to together to celebrate . . . our selves! We deserve it! Its hard to be so stuck up and superior all the time! That’s why on May 1st National Affluent Soirée Day we can finally loosen our monocles. Why May 1st you ask? Because that's Mr. Peanut's birthday! He is only the biggest monocle wearing bad ass to ever grow on a plant!

On National Affluent Soirée Day the rich people (those who make over $250,000 a year) get to attend this soirée, drink fine wine, wear monocles and discuss how to keep down that uppity middle class. Speaking of those less affluent, you may be wondering what will they do on this grand day? They will learn their place by being forced to work in our sweatshops. Hopefully this will teach them some work ethic! Welfare can’t solve everything! How will you decorate you say? Paper the walls with money of course! Use at least $100 bills if you don’t have access to $1000 bills as they are for the true elite. The symbol of this great holiday is of course Mr. Peanut! So go nuts people! We can’t be this be this affluent all the time! Oh wait, yes we can! Ha Ha Ha! Mmmmmmmmmm yes!

#6. High on Freedom!

Hello America! Think to your self, who is it that causes all of America’s problems? Is it terrorists? Nope. Communists? Not this time. France? Internationally yes, but this is an issue occurring on the home front. Give up? Of course you do you lazy piece of *#%*! That’s the problem with America, everyone is lazy! Which group embodies this completely? I of course mean - hippies! They just sit around eating because they have the “munchies”! Real Americans don’t get hungry we inhale freedom which is all the nourishment we need! Hippies also constantly fight for the legalization of “medical” marijuana because apparently they all have “glaucoma”! What even is glaucoma? Sounds like something I dip my chips in! They obviously made it up which makes them liars too! That is why I shall create a law that will round up all the hippies in the country and put them on hippie reserves! This will stop them from annoying the general public! No longer will you be hassled by people on the street yelling “You can’t hug your children with nuclear arms!” What does that even mean!?

That is why you should vote for proposition 420 and rid our streets of the hippie menace! We must stop them from producing a new generation of lazy peace loving terrorists!

This is the GOP reminding all Americans to celebrate the big 420! It truly is the American way!