#10. O Lordy Lordy! What an Album!

I choose to review “Deadache” an album by the band Lordi. Lordi is a heavy metal band from Finland that was formed in 1991. “Deadache” is their most recent album released October 29, 2008. In classic form “Deadache” is a great album that is unique to say the least. The songs “Girls go Chopping (like shopping, get it?)”, “Man Skin Boots”, “The Devil Hides Behind Her Smile” and “Hate at First Sight” keep with Lordi’s unique sense of humor. They are great songs that are meant to be funny in a twisted sort of way. The songs “Bite It Like a Bulldog”, “Dr. Sin Is In”, “Deadache”, and “Raise Hell in Heaven” are more like standard heavy metal songs. They are still extremely good, but they aren’t quite as unique as the first group of songs. That leaves “The Rebirth of the Countess”, “Missing Miss Charlene”, “The Ghosts of the Heceta Head” and “Evilyn” these songs cant quite compete with the rest of the album. They are by no means terrible and are better than many songs by other bands but they are still the low point of this album.

Overall, I consider “Deadache” a great album. Lordi blends their unique style with great vocals and instrumentals to create a true work of art.

I give “Deadache” by Lordi:

9 Bloody Hatchets out of 10.











Well done Lordi.

#9. Great Scene From the Movie "Shoot 'em Up."

Parts of the script. Clive Owen must enter the scene carrying the baby. He must also be carrying a gun. Then woman must run in a different direction. He must drop his gun. He must get hit by a car. He must drop the baby. He must shoot out both windshields. He must remove his seat belt.

Non-script scene decisions. The pun made by Clive Owen at the end. What car Clive Owen drives. What cars the attackers drive. How many attackers there are. What the attackers’ wear. What Clive Owen wears. What the baby wears. What type of guns the attackers use. What type of gun Clive Owen uses.

#8.Political Parties

Rich, superior
Red elephants rule through wealth
The Republicans

Middle class, uncouth
Blue donkeys make change for all
I am Democrat

Proletariat
Red bears and dragons kill eagles
We are Communist

#7. This Soirée is Nut for Everyone!

Hello America! I sure you’ve thought to yourself why do we reward poor people so much? I mean with things like welfare, unemployment benefits and Medicare it’s like an endless holiday! Its time we the Upper Class were rewarded! How about our own holiday! It will be called National Affluent Soirée Day! All the rich people of this great land will gather to together to celebrate . . . our selves! We deserve it! Its hard to be so stuck up and superior all the time! That’s why on May 1st National Affluent Soirée Day we can finally loosen our monocles. Why May 1st you ask? Because that's Mr. Peanut's birthday! He is only the biggest monocle wearing bad ass to ever grow on a plant!

On National Affluent Soirée Day the rich people (those who make over $250,000 a year) get to attend this soirée, drink fine wine, wear monocles and discuss how to keep down that uppity middle class. Speaking of those less affluent, you may be wondering what will they do on this grand day? They will learn their place by being forced to work in our sweatshops. Hopefully this will teach them some work ethic! Welfare can’t solve everything! How will you decorate you say? Paper the walls with money of course! Use at least $100 bills if you don’t have access to $1000 bills as they are for the true elite. The symbol of this great holiday is of course Mr. Peanut! So go nuts people! We can’t be this be this affluent all the time! Oh wait, yes we can! Ha Ha Ha! Mmmmmmmmmm yes!

#6. High on Freedom!

Hello America! Think to your self, who is it that causes all of America’s problems? Is it terrorists? Nope. Communists? Not this time. France? Internationally yes, but this is an issue occurring on the home front. Give up? Of course you do you lazy piece of *#%*! That’s the problem with America, everyone is lazy! Which group embodies this completely? I of course mean - hippies! They just sit around eating because they have the “munchies”! Real Americans don’t get hungry we inhale freedom which is all the nourishment we need! Hippies also constantly fight for the legalization of “medical” marijuana because apparently they all have “glaucoma”! What even is glaucoma? Sounds like something I dip my chips in! They obviously made it up which makes them liars too! That is why I shall create a law that will round up all the hippies in the country and put them on hippie reserves! This will stop them from annoying the general public! No longer will you be hassled by people on the street yelling “You can’t hug your children with nuclear arms!” What does that even mean!?

That is why you should vote for proposition 420 and rid our streets of the hippie menace! We must stop them from producing a new generation of lazy peace loving terrorists!

This is the GOP reminding all Americans to celebrate the big 420! It truly is the American way!

#5. It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a . . . Maverick?

This majestic creature is called a maverick. It's a powerful creature much like an elephant that never forgets… to WIN! Whether it’s a fight or an election the maverick always comes out on top. You may be wondering about the maverick’s strange coloration and cape. Well you see, the maverick is… well… a maverick! So it does and dresses how ever it pleases. It doesn't listen to the rest of the animals it just stays the course! The maverick lives mostly in rural areas and likes to have at least eight homes at any one time. Sometimes the maverick wanders out of its rural habitat into a more urban setting. This is where the maverick encounters its main food source, the chameleon donkey. The chameleon donkey is difficult to pin, because it changes constantly. However in the end the maverick gets past all the change and out runs the chameleon donkey, another fine meal for the powerful maverick.

This has been a message from the GOP Wildlife Foundation. That’s right we can care about the environment if we feel like it, we’re just mavericky like that!

#4. A Grand Old Product

New Generation Corporation

Hello all you politicians out there! Aren’t you sick of the new generations asking questions and having “free will”? Wouldn’t it be great if you could create an army of new voters ready to vote exactly how you tell them? Well look no further! Here at New Generation Corporation we have created a new kind of clones we call them Tomorrow’s Obviously Obedient Life-forms or TOOLs for short. We can create you an army of clones indoctrinated with your platform message. They will vote for you without even knowing the name of the other candidate. They are truly the perfect supporters.

Now I know what some of you may be thinking. A bunch of people exactly the same, indoctrinated with extreme political, doesn’t that sound like a communist totalitarian regime? Well, all I can say is . . . shut the hell up! Questions are for communists! Real Americans don’t ask questions! They just vote for whoever seems the most likely to have a neighborhood barbecue and doesn’t spout tons of nonsense he learned in “books”. Ahem. Anyway, a TOOL costs $1,000. You can also buy them in bulk. We offer several packages Gang: $10,000, Mob: $100,000 ,Army: $1,000,000 ,Revolution: Priceless, I mean $10,000,000. Now I know this may seem pricey but it needs to be. These high prices keep our TOOLs out of the hands of the “middle class”.

Remember politicians you better buy fast! The elections are coming up and those ballet boxes aren’t going to stuff themselves!

New Generation Corporation, helping the leaders of today buy the elections of tomorrow.